Things that Scare Me.

Let’s get real for a minute. If that scares you, I promise you’re going to want to skip this.

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I am going to admit something out loud to the world that very few people in my life know. Something that I have struggled with for a long long time. Ok, here it is- I am afraid to become a mom. Seriously, afraid and I have been avoiding it since the second I got married.

Let me explain myself because I have heard every response in the book from the people who know this about me and it is all “you are crazy”. I was brought up by a mother who ALWAYS put us before her no matter what. I ALWAYS had the newest and coolest stuff and never thought twice about it. My mom and dad were ALWAYS at my Sporting events, even when we had 4 kids in sports at one time. We ALWAYS had food on the table. We ALWAYS had vehicles when we could drive. We ALWAYS had the most creative projects in school, even when my dad was running a business and my mom was in school. I ALWAYS knew my parents would be there, whether for the serious stuff or the silly stuff. I ALWAYS knew I was so loved, even though I have done some stupid stuff in my day. That’s crazy. The amount of selflessness that I have felt from my parents my whole life has been wild. And this hasn’t just been from them, but from grandparents, aunts, uncles, everyone.

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When I picture myself as I mom, I think of all that and I struggle. I struggle with that fact that I don’t think I could be half the mom my mom was/is and I get caught up in the fact that it’s not fair to a child. Then I begin to think how I spend my time and money and I feel entirely so selfish. I don’t think I could even be a quarter as selfless as my mom or really any of the women in my life have been. I am scared that I wouldn’t do justice to the way my mom raised me. It is so hard to think about. My husband and I talk about this so often- I am terrified.

It’s also a beautiful thing to think about. How incredible blessed am I to have a role model(s) like that. How amazing that I never had to worry or wonder if I was loved. One of the best moments in my life was when I got to take a second out of my crazy wedding day to tell my mom how truly amazing she was. If i really think about it, if I am even a small percent of amazing as my mom was/is, I would still be a rockstar.

 

Y’all, I have heard every response in the book when I share this. And honestly, this isn’t even about my struggles. This is about the fact that my mom is so amazing that I don’t know how she possibly did/does it. It seems like an unreachable goal to be even half as great. One day is not good enough to celebrate, but Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. You deserve everything you ever dreamed of for putting up with my shenanigans.

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